Monday, December 28, 2009

If everyone is curious

If everyone is curious, I have not written in a long while. This is because I have been creating video blogs. I’ll try to catch up.

The transition is going as smooth as it could be. I spent the holiday with my sister, but I did it dressed up as a guy. After the discussion with her before dinner, I had the feeling my family will never accept me as I am now. I talked with my mother and I got the same feeling to in a way. So, transitioning, I feel I will be separated from my family so its been emotionally difficult, I am trying to hold the feelings inside but I think I might break down emotionally. A basket case for my therapist when I see her again.

I also have to seek work, I have been unemployed for a month. So, that’s been hard doing this economic time. I have to deal with the fact I will be seeking work as Vivianne, so that’s emotionally difficult. I have not gotten to the point of a serious interview, which I am afraid in some way. I never had to deal with going to a interview and being looked as a female or transgender. There are so many prejudices that I have to deal with now.

It’s going on 8 months to 9 months of hormone therapy, I look so female now. Just waiting for the money to get the new prescription. I seen my id a few days ago, in a month I have to get my id pictures changed because I look female and I will have serious problems being checked. Luckily I have not been in that position but I had to pick up a package at the post office. It finally came into my mind when I took my id out. The picture on it looks like another person. I know it’s me, but it doesn’t look like me. Both the picture and gender are inaccurate.

Now last, does all this transition affect the sexual preferences? Nope. I still love females, pretty legs, nice size chest and hips. So, that is what I like. My interest in guys is still zero.

The only things that change, is my taste in clothing. It is still changing like you see in the videos. So, hopefully it gets hotter. I know it will.

Guys, subscribe to my channel and

They are two things I would like to get up and running. At least few the videos, comment, and tell others if you don’t subscribe but subscribe to them if you can.

Love you all.


Sunday, December 13, 2009

Titanic – Rose

I’m here listening to Titanic – Rose them song. It one of those songs that makes me think, I have a new week to start. I always wanted a wife like Rose someone who was full of surprises. A women who is strong but as gentle as a rose, someone with a heart that is always cherished.


Tuesday, December 8, 2009


This is the current news; I have not done a blog because life is upside down for me. I wrote a status about looking for work, so I am not employed. It dealt with something not done completed, which someone admitted to but being I am responsible. I was terminated. Now how does this affect me?

It makes life extremely difficult; I thought I would go through the change gradually. I can’t anymore, I will have unemployment but that might not be all the income I need. Please take account, I have both therapies including hormone and regular therapy, don’t forget electrolysis. This job lost is a major blow to me, financially, emotionally, and mentally. A lot of energy was put into the work but I am not sure what will come of it.

Now, the reality, I live. I have to face the fact people who do not know me, see me as female. I have to understand everything about me and life, and adjust accordingly. The way I talk, my mannerism, how I perceive things, who I am friends with, and so many other things.

The scary part of it is I do not know where to start. It’s not scary but I was not expecting to be thrown into the ocean so fast. It is like a butterfly flying on land, and then all of a sudden the land is taken away and underneath is an ocean.

Vivianne Summers

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

If I knew how to be ...

If I knew how to be rich from writing, I would sit down, think, and write about the world. Everything I experienced doing my life, and maybe defy all logic.

There is no recent news; I’m working for thanksgiving which is depressing. I’ve spent the last two weeks dealing with an upper manager making work horrible. A friend of mine asked me if I would do a photo shoot for her school project, that will be exciting and a good change. I had an electrolysis session so my skin is still swollen but that will heal in a few days. I wish I can come up with some extra money for electrolysis session in a week. It would be sweet if my previous photographer took pictures also.

If anyone curios about the change a.k.a transition, that is fine. I am dealing with more irresponsible and immature behavior from some people specifically some random kids. The sad part is I am more hurt from a superficial supportive friend for things she said in the last 7 months; I skipped her dinner yesterday because of it.

If someone wonders if I looking for an answer to all of this, there isn’t. It would be nice to see family. It would be fantastic to do few more electrolysis session before next week is out. It would be awesome to find the miracle additional income I need considering the economy is bad. The only thing I can count on in this economy is my friends, family, hard work, and my faith.

I really need to go bra and more clothing shopping, more importantly get more electrolysis. I have to register for class soon.

A friend mentioned I should check out some reality TV auditions. I might consider that, there is always you tube. That reminds me I need to post a video off my camera and make a new one. The video is two weeks old so if I post some, there will be two videos posted.

There might be more to write today, if I think of something. I will post it.


Monday, November 23, 2009

Thoughts about beauty

There is nothing specific about this writing. I had a very long day due to drama at my job and also issues with the change. Right now, listening to Tiziano Ferro feat Kelly Rowland – Eathe gentle. You’ll love the video. Everyone forward or recommend this blog to whomever you’ll like.

Sitting here happy that I’ve gone through a long day, trying hands testing my patience. Work related drama, pushing my mental limits.
People talking amongst themselves, gossiping giving more attention to something that doesn’t want it. Now I am watching a beautiful video thinking.
True beauty defies all logic, it’s an emotion, a feeling something you can touch and see, but it remains a mystery.
Something unseen that can’t be touched.
Something beautiful brings a smile to a persons face; sometimes it’s an alluring charm. It might be a soft breeze passing by or a calm settle thought coming into mind.

Vivianne Summers

Thursday, November 5, 2009

How is the transition going?

Just writing everyone about how the changes are going and telling you some thoughts I have. How is the transition going? It’s going well is good.

I’m in the process of introducing myself as Vivianne to everyone I meet not Avery, and my job is adjusting well with the changes also. It’s becoming Vivianne as the first name basis at work. I’m waiting for some type of situation at work. I heard so many horror stories about people changing at work, just wondering what about me. It is going smoothly.

I get upset to the point of feeling hurt when friends who say the wanted me to be myself; when I do I’m treated harshly. Especially one person, she says Avery, even tho everyone one around her is starting to call me Vivianne. The “so called” friend has been completely cynical, sarcastic, and sometimes cruel with her comments, for the last 7 months. That does not include events that happened that made me doubt her support. Whomever reading this and is close to me, knows who I’m mentioning.

As to how, I feel I feel definitely less confident. I prayed on hopefully being comfortable and in control. This is something I always depended on. This transition takes me into an uncomfortable zone. I do not know what to expect from people; sometimes I do not know what to expect from myself. Everyday I feel like I am starting over, like a puzzle that’s changing. I wrote about a mosaic in my poetry, so the mosaic is shifting. I feel like the pieces are the same but how they are being put together is different.

I just awaken. I have been watching Mia video (link to video) this morning. The music is close to how I feel and some of the thoughts I have she says. I feel tired and drained, but determined. My heart felt feeling is that I am learning about myself again. Sometimes I feel like I have to justify the changes to people. What do I tell a female about myself? I am to the point of telling people I’m female, I have so many feminine characteristics now without dressing. How my relationships will change with a female? A lot of thoughts or question is popping up as I think about it.

Vivianne Summers

PS. Video on youtube and twitter

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A magical moment

A magical moment

It’s the time you are yourself, smiling looking high above...
Hearing the raindrops fall from the sky, watching a bright rainbow reflecting the sunlight.
As birds are flying under a tree, the leaves moving peacefully up and down.
A smile coming across ones face, knowing that everything is alright.

Vivianne Summers

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

She Who Believes in Herself

She Who Believes in Herself

Trusting her instincts was
the hardest thing she ever did.
But she listened
to the whisperings of her heart.
She pushed forth with faith in her skills.
And faith in her knowledge
that she could succeed
And she did!
In the end, trusting her heart
Was the smartest thing she ever did.

from Anne and Lindley

PS. Poetry someone sent me in a card.



by Marcia Hall

I knew a shadow once.
She dwelled deep inside the heart of a man.

His heart was dark and troubled. The shadow remained silent, unmoving, crouched in a place without light and devoid of hope.

When, once in a while, sunlight illuminated his heart, the shadow came alive. The heart filled with joy and swelled with hope, and the shadow danced with happiness.

Rare were those good times. More and more, the darkness descended. The shadow stayed inside the heart, unfulfilled and longing for a way to come alive again.

The man began to think more earnestly than he had ever thought before. He turned ideas over and over in his mind. He pondered everything about his life. Finally ... finally ... his ideas solidified into one amazing, life-changing, earth-shattering decision.

The shadow stirred. She could feel something happening. It was as if her world, there in his heart, was coming alive.

And then it happened. The man stood erect, legs spread, arms reaching heavenward, eyes beseeching the heavens. Suddenly, he cried, "I am not Avery. I am VIVIANNE. Do you hear me, world? I AM VIVIANNE!"

He bent down, picked up seashells on the shore, and threw them into the crashing surf. He threw off his shoes and danced in the sand, and he laughed with joy. Laughing and crying at the same time, he proclaimed, "I AM VIVIANNE!"

Those words roused the shadow, and she saw that sunlight was streaming into the heart. There were no dark recesses in which to hide. Everything was new and bright. Every moment had meaning. The shadow was so excited that she leaped from the heart onto the sand so she could dance behind him.

Every time he moved his arms, so did she! Every time he took a dance step, so did she! It was the first time she had truly been a shadow!

Ah, but that wasn't all. She looked way up into his face, that handsome, rugged face she had so long admired, and she was astonished. He wasn't a man -- he was a woman, a beautiful woman, a happy woman! Together they danced until the moon was high.

At last, Vivianne stopped dancing. She was tired. She found a soft, sandy spot between two large rocks, lay back, and let sleep overcome her, traces of a smile on her lips. The shadow returned to Vivianne's heart, but there,too, were changes. Just as the stars shone down on Vivianne, so the light pierced the darkness of her heart, and there were no more dark recesses. There was only soft light. The shadow had to blink to believe it.

There was no place for the shadow to hide. There was no reason to hide!

Vivianne's breathing was slow and relaxed, in, then out, in, then out, and soon the shadow was lulled to sleep.

Those simple, joyful words, "I AM VIVIANNE, I AM VIVIANNE!" had found the key, had opened the door, and sunlight had replaced the darkness. Vivianne and her shadow had an adventure before them, but it would be met face to face in the brightness of day, never again in darkness.

In that final moment of realization, Vivianne had found peace and contentment and commitment -- and, most of all, she had found herself.

I know this tale is real for I am the shadow.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Last week was rough.

Last week was rough. If anyone wants to know how I feel, in facebook I put the status that I was scared, nervous, maybe sad, but glad. This week the music that stuck into mind was Anne Lenox. I do not know what to think of the changes, I had varied responses, some people thought I was female, others couldn’t figure it out so they said it out loud not directly to me, and friends who are finding it difficult to call me Vivianne. It’s like the change, is reality. By the way, a very nice lady randomly gave me a book on the train, she felt I needed it. Actually, it’s perfect for t me considering I am reflecting a lot.

I’ve been slowly trying to transition my speech, I use to do it a lot cross-dressing but I stopped a couple of years ago. The thought it’s not cross-dressing anymore is a change. You can imagine me getting home and trying to take off my hair; then realizing no more wigs. It’s an everyday change. Getting back to the speech has been extremely difficult. One day, I will know how to express my feelings and emotions better, right now; I do not know what to think so it’s hard to put that into words. I still have more electrolysis to go. As for family, there are enough changes even if I wore guy cloths that I have to face telling my parents. Whoever knows me, my relationship with my family is not the greatest. So, this might be a blow to a few people.

Vivianne Summers

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Another Day

Another Day

This is not a major update just dealing with work and transition. I wish some people would just call me Vivianne. Whenever I hear Avery I always have the feeling they are not accepting it. Co-workers I do not mind because I have not told them Vivianne, but so called friends I do mind. My job is accepting it which is really good.

It looks like the morning routine is a little bit different in the sense I have to do my hair before leaving out the house. Also, by the way, I’m posting a few pictures up later, not of me but things I saw in NYC hanging out with some friends. Since I am feeling freezing cold, this entry is going be short.

What aggravated me today? A rude customer who was angry she had to wait, so she spent a few minutes pointing out that I’m a guy in front of everyone. There was a customer who made a comment to me, not sure if she thought I was male or female. There was some guy walking down the street from electro who made some weird noise walking by.


Saturday, October 10, 2009

Hair Day

Hair Day

Today is going be an interesting day; I feel this way I think because this is one of the boldest things I did which is changing my hairstyle. It’s very dramatic and very me. Just wanted to thanks Sharon at Imago Beauty group. I went back to my hair stylist after 6 years, it was so cool because I felt completely comfortable telling her my changes. She knows me as Avery also but as soon as I told her about the transition. It was not long before everyone in the salon was calling me Lady V or saying she, I think everyone felt at home with it also. She was not surprised one bit.

Now the hair, it’s like a Rihana and Keri Hilson hairstyle. Very funky short straigt down and sweeping to a Bob on the other side. This is a dramatic change from any previous style. Everyone liked it yesterday, but I’m nervous today because it’s a work day. It’s a change. I can’t guess what reactions will come from friends, coworkers, strangers, and acquaintances


Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I’m not really sure where to start.

Here I go after a couple of days; I’m not really sure where to start.

I have a new therapist because the previous one left. I wrote it ended abruptly so I am hoping the new therapist will be good. It is going be interesting considering she asked questions about things I like to bury emotionally.

Now, as to the transition, its weird; I feel comfortable with it but there is a hesitation, like I put myself in the position years ago without the physical changes. I wish my previous girlfriend was around, there are a lot of things she could help me with, because the things I need help with doing the transition are things we worked on together as to speech and grammar. Anyway, that is the past. I’ll get a girlfiend companion.

My job is more anxious to see the changes then I;I guess. From what I read and heard from transgender individuals it is the opposite. I have a job where I can walk in and my management will know already, my boss knew for months before I even told him specifically. There still seem to be tough decisions I have to make but I do not know what they are right now.

As to a dilemma, people who know me I went through a period where I always was happy to change into an outfit and take pictures. I am not sure why I am not like that right now, I would think I would be running for the camera but I’m not. I’ve continually written a blog and considered doing a video log (vlog) many times. The reason of not doing the video log is that I am scared my flaws as to looking and sounding female will be apparent. The part I do not understand it’s not difficult for me to talk softer or look female, I just have to be myself.

I am getting my hair done this week, I already highlighted it.


Monday, September 28, 2009



As I consider settle changes occurring in my life, I’m lost as to words to say. So I am looking at the strong wind and a young tree, comparison writing.

The wind shifting leaves left and right, and branches moving up and down.
A residing peace comes into my mind, an emotional and mental balance.
As the sun shines brightly beaming rays onto the ground.
Even with this peace a constant struggle persists.
As leaves try to stay attached to the branches, the wind sometimes move violently over, tearing apart leaves from the tree.
What a friend considers sometimes me going through a battle, quenched in a corner fighting to get up.
I know that the fallen leaves will always nourish the young tree, as the tree continues to grow.
As to me, a queen, which will show myself more brilliantly, renewed, with every movement.


Saturday, September 26, 2009


Hey, Everyone.

I have not posted in a little while so just catching up. I have been kind of depressed the last few days. If I think about it, it’s not depression but facing the unknown. I got a mp3 player again so I am listening to music I like depending on my mood swing and emotions, I use to do it a long time ago under but stopped. I did get my work performance review so waiting my raise at work.

Whats on my mind? I’m realizing I’m 6 months into hormone therapy and physical changes are here. It’s not reversible because emotionally I’m affected. Anyway, mentally I am still the same. The point is who I will be in 6 months, which brings me to the dilemma. I always had interests and thoughts from a female perspective all my life, so the mental and emotional female perspective was there, but I was physically trapped in a male body. So, a friend finally realized that and knew it was the only way to talk to me, we spent a year just working on that aspect. Whoever knows me, knows I was in the D/S lifestyle, and have friends in the vampirism lifestyle a few years ago. I crafted a dressing style similar to that. Overall, the dressing style and attitude was a bit enticing, very bewitching with a rough edge. It was me, my interests and personal style.

Now that I am changing, I feel some of the style I will like to show and personality is surfacing. The question is how do I do it? It was simple in the past, cross-dress put on a lot of black and redefine how I behave to what I feel internally, then when I was over make it disappear. Now that what was internal is surfacing, what do I do?

If anyone is curious about interest in females, it’s getting stronger day by day. If I had a relationship, I do not think I would be dominate out the two, ironically.

I visited my job also yesterday to see all the new people seeking work at my job. They did an open house. I heard some people talking amongst themselves about how I looked or acted. Oh my gosh! That brought out the queen in me, and thought, they will have to deal with it so work is going be an uphill battle. If I could describe my feeling about dressing female at work, I’m itching. I need to get my hair relaxed so in a few weeks I can do that. I’m tired between dressings male for work, and when I visit the job for something, I pretty much dress female even if it’s the basic jeans and t-shirt. Mind you, I am wearing makeup pretty much, all the time at work unless I have electrolysis.

This gets to the point; I can’t make all of this disappear. Then the feeling of wanting to rip off male persona so badly, it’s getting stronger everyday.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Thought before bed

Writing a quick blog before heading to bed. This is the latest update of the transition. Do to some circumstance at work I think I want to reveal more information of what’s going on slowly. The shorter version, a coworker plays around with me like any typical guy would who would joke around with another guy. The problem it’s physical, so my chest area has changed to the point; I do no like to get tapped in the chest area unless it’s under specific situations. I discussed this with management (my boss who I am keeping informed) so they will talk to the person; but at some point I will have to also. Overall, to resolve some future problems I might have. I have to dress more normal like I do outside of work which is fully female at the job. This opens up a new can of worms to deal with.

I kinda realized I can joke around with guys like before and take steps that would not put me in uncomfortable circumstances.

Vivianne Summers

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Friendships and connections

People might say they are friends but they aren’t. The so called friend who told there kids I was going to a costume party, then ironically after starting the hormone therapy. Every time I see her there is a sarcastic and inconsiderate comment about me. What I don’t understand, this very person, encouraged me to be myself and now as I am starting to do it. I feel I am getting slapped in the face repeatedly verbally.

My therapist left which ended very abruptly and I’m getting a new one. She has a new job which is good hopefully they are paying more Thinking about it, it ended like most of my relationships in the past one minute it’s there and then it’s not. So, I am not hurt by it, but now amazed how it worked out. It’s not even that I seen the therapist much which I do not care about. I more troubled of how it ended without any real notice or closure.

I hanged out with a friend of mine, and I am very happy with the support she gave me. She always conversated as if I already been transitioned, so she knew me first as Vivianne; It was pleasing to know she will treat me that always. So, it was welcoming to be at her open house, and she paid a lot of attention to what people were calling me and how I was treated.


Friday, September 11, 2009

Question about breast

Yesterday was an interesting day because how people responded to me. I did a lot of shopping for things I need as for clothing and grocery shopping.

First off I want to write about a conversation I had with a friend, which is fine but at the latter end. I was bothered about a question. The question asked was “What breast size are you?” It really annoyed me with the transition that’s happening.

In the past, when I was cross-dressing a lot, so putting on fake boobs was simple. Add some silicone packs and my natural men chest will appear somewhat like breast. The realization now at the present, I have breast and find the term somewhat derogatory and especially that question. We have the tendency especially males marvel at breast about how soft and plush they may are, a little plaything.

The fact is males do not know the long nights when the breast are sore and sleeping on them is bothersome, humid and hot temperature that leaves the breast sweaty and sometimes disgusting, or during a cycle how the additional weight is sometimes a pain. There are many more things that happens, but that is a highlight.

I feel the question is personal and private, and I can understand why someone would likely to offense including. I asked a female friend of mine later in the night. She even said the question is rude and inconsiderate, so please note everyone. Try to refrain from saying boobs to females or treat breast as some object, hopefully someone understands.

In the morning, I did some shopping for belts and a shirt at Marshall’s. It was weird in the sense I use to shop for female clothing it was so simple. Get a whole bunch of black clothing and jeans but I cannot do that anymore. This time it was difficult because I had buy clothing that I would normally wear. For people who started to read my blog, what does a female wear normally? I cannot say dress because this is how I dress mostly now. I cannot hide breast or behind, so I have to dress accordingly. The cashier talked to me as an Ms which was cool and it made me a little relieved.

Grocery shopping was a little better; the last time I went grocery shopping some mother asked a child if I was male or female. That sums up most of the day yesterday.


Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Electrolysis today

I have to go to electrolysis today, great, another expensive expense during the transition. Ironically, I found out the day before and realized how fast my facial hair is growing. It’s growing slower which is a good thing. I was asked by a friend about my ability to have kids, and how the transition process makes someone sterile. Also, the person did not realize there is no back button to this. I want another tattoo is October.


Saturday, August 22, 2009

Quick Walk

So, I’m walking down the street heading to the train street. Right after, from a car that was turning behind me. I hear some guy saying “. Fuck that”. Ironically, just hearing those two words I have a good idea what he is talking about. Sadly, My respect for the male population is decreasing. It seems like guy only think about with ass they can get or a quick bang or committed bang, I find it sad and demeaning.


Monday, August 17, 2009

Getting unwelcome advances

There is nothing substantial new today as my transition. I can’t stand guys. I mentioned there has been some growth and bodily changes. Consequences, I was grabbed in the behind from some random guy in a hospital male restroom about a week ago. I happen to be with a friend who had to go to the hospital, so after the initial shock.

I do not know what to say, not sure if I can say anything. Other then the experience was disturbing considering many other changes will occur. It felt like crap and was really disrepectful. Figuratively, I do not know to say, if I was harassed or molested. This is the shocking reality of my transition dealing with changes and getting unwelcome advances. I welcome feedback.


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

My transition if someone wants to call it

My transition if someone wants to call it that is going okay. Therapy is going okay and hormone therapy is going well not much negative response. Still I am annoyed with a few friends who are not taking the changes as well as I thought. Others who understand what is happening seem to not understand the reality of it. In many ways, I’m not cross-dressing anymore; it is a way of life and will continue to be while showing more day to day.

At a request of a friend, I am going post more updates about my transition and everyone feel free to write or leave any comments.

My breast is always sore from growth, which it is getting bigger and my butt is getting plump as typical of a female. It’s been 4 months and there seems to be noticeable changes.

If anyone curious how I will deal with work. I discussed it with my boss who knew I was going through multiple therapies for sometime now. There has been enough little changes that it became really obvious.

I will go to work and do my job as usual, even if my transition is happening. Mentally I think the same, so in a way, it is something I’m comfortable with. It is more how other people will react then I will react. I was mistakenly called Maam at work, and girlfriend a couple of times. I do not think that’s bad and it shows how I established many of my friendships.


Monday, July 6, 2009



It wasn’t an imagination, the black porcelain doll still living; unmasked, showing it day to day.
People might treat me like an outcast, something morbid, fake, superficial a non-reality
I’m not that person not an outcast but someone real now dealing with racial, social and gender prejudices, now a sacrifice that’s destined.
I’m in a middle of a transition, emotions going through my soul and body, physically changing, breaking down an old mosaic putting new one in place.
I’m the doll in the crystal dome, warped in pink, softly thinking. Now watching as new colors reveal it self day to day.

Vivianne Summers

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Update 2 months

Update 2 months
If anyone is curious, the transition is going okay. I’ve been slowly putting on makeup at least not obvious. There has been some physical changes.

The therapy is going well. As for the pills, there haven’t been any major side effects, which is good. It’s a change from just dressing up to eventually being something permanent.


Friday, May 29, 2009

What Is

What Is

I do not question what if, it’s seemingly childish, it is asking about something inevitable. Life is not about experiencing what if but it is about living what is, something destined.

Significantly growing all senses over time, emotionally coping as new situations appear, mentally challenging one mind day to day, and physically pushing one body through everyday situations.

Now quietly sitting down, slowing rolling my fingers on my back, my body now changing everyday, closing my eyes. Napping in a light trance, the same senses with new meanings.

I exist.

Vivianne Summers

Thursday, April 30, 2009



Questioning moments as time come to pass, new thoughts, feelings, expression. A cascade laying down revealing a body, an unseen mystery feel of emotions and thoughts, hidden, but now opening up. Asking myself what will come to pass, expecting the unexpected. A soaring bird flying through the wind, gliding effortlessly through the air.

Vivianne Summers

Friday, April 3, 2009



Beautiful to me soft, innocent, dainty, pleasant, romantic, elegant, and charming an enlightenment that cannot be described with simple words; but something we are aware of, seeing or touching it. You smile when it appears, a magnificent light with such clarity it shines upon but it just as fragile as a feather gliding through the air.

As long as I remember, I masked all my emotions and feelings, in a worldly form a tough interior and exterior. Based upon what everyone wants to see, something people want to be safe in. Praying day to day just to survive, praying for new hope and the mask is never broken. Knowing to be transparent will lead to pain, anger, and regret. Tearing apart what I created.

The princess in a beautiful snow globe might be a metaphor or a truth. While growing up playing with a snow globe imagining a white dress watching white shining flakes flowing down or a dancer is wearing a soft pink dress in en Pointe. Or maybe a young girl with green eyes as rare pink diamond, walking a great labyrinth, among a rainbow of flowers, pathways and directions revealing endless possibilities. As I am walking a bright light gazing upon watching every direction taken.

Vivianne Summers

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Hidden Message

Hidden Message

Some people might think my expression is wrong a bad direction, a sinful or self-righteous act. Don’t people see something beautiful, not just a person who can be beautiful even pretty but also a person who wants to look it. Like little pink flowers drawn in an incomparable delicate pure white mosaic but sometimes fragile that calms one nerve. My mosaic lifted up day to day through quiet prayers slowly being answered.

Maybe I should have kept it a secret, something not revealed hidden, a reflection both mental and physical, never touched or known. Keeping a fabricated half-truth to keep everyone content. A reality that everyone wants to believe and see, a lie, something to be comfortable with. A broken mosaic held only by a light and close connections.

I have kept myself hidden, daily, memories of a lifetime buried, withering away day to day. Knowing to be transparent would lead to hurt, pain, and rejection. A step taken without regret, having an existence that is true. Knowing society norms, standards, and inclinations to false realities fits in but being something genuine, is right.

I’m a pink rose masked behind soft candlelight, revealing one through soft words.

Vivianne Summers

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Pandora's Box

Pandora's Box

Hidden in a Pandora box, a perfect square, black outside but a pink inside.

A little princess gazing upward, staring at a bright light shining, laying down on a green field, patches of pink lilies and roses leaving a soothing aroma.

A box inside with sides of friends, family, and society life experiences and paradoxes.

Reflecting on the outside a mold. Made to fit everyone expectations and desires, conforming to society over time. Always a box, with a light shining through the exterior from above.

A box now shattered partially, only revealing a young lady, speaking mannered thoughts and writing in distinctly soft words. An inner beauty, exquisite, a lady wanting to express herself.

A box not revealed to keep friends, family, and society unconcerned, a mask carefully planted. Strong, determined, masculine, willing, living the very ideals society believes. I'm physically caged, in a box, a choice not made.

Hiding someone beautiful, warm, elegant, delicate, and dainty seen through enchanting crystal eyes and eloquent words.

The very core of my strength, the essence, depended on daily, but fully hidden, screaming to be heard and seen. A enchanting princess adorned in white holding hands to the air, looking upon the light, looking upon a pink butterfly hovering in the air looking upon oneself. An ice princess.


Monday, March 9, 2009

(random thought)

Random thought

Society trains you that being physically male means you have to think, act, and react male. A superficial lie, etched in stone.

Even being your thinking about silk soft stocking gently touching the skin or glistening transparent romantic dress, is treated with equal disdain. If talked about laughed at, treated as a sinful thought. Such prejudice this society lies behind; hiding hate and the thought to conform.

At a young age, I was going through changes, looking at myself in the mirror daily; hoping for something to happen. The physical changes reinforcing what society believes; the belief physically male must mean masculine. I would like to have soft silky hands, long slender legs, long smooth beautiful hair, and much more; saying to myself daily. Each day going by hating it. Learning to reinforce the lies society has; giving small clues though out.

It took a few words at a young age; to create a mask my whole life time. I live a life of confusion; all my interaction is feminine; leaving strangers, friends, girlfriends, and family often confused.

The thoughts “That outfit looks cute on her. What do the outfit look like on me? What color nail polish or hairstyle matches it? What shoes? What hosiery? Where can I get it? Oh by the way, the weather is nice”, is unspoken.


Monday, March 2, 2009



Is the distraction an act or figment of imagination?

Something believed to be amusement or light contradiction, even through the feelings are as tender as an ice princess, deeply attached. A crystalline princess looking up; the fact is a carefully created rose is always there.

Can all these years be summed up to the simple word, distraction? The very last thing wanted; nor one step taken day by day, no matter how significant. Does friendship base itself on the word, distraction? Do a friend base their thoughts on a person based on what other people might perceive?

A delicate pink rose still exist; bleeding from the sharp thorns crafted in single, deadly words. Stranger words might hurt; but friend words cut. A deadly rippling effect tearing apart a mosaic. I’m exhausted from a long year of extended work hours and sharp words carefully tearing distancing ones heart.

A black porcelain doll still lives; unmasked, showing it day to day. You just have to see it, a pink rose.