I have not posted in a little while so just catching up. I have been kind of depressed the last few days. If I think about it, it’s not depression but facing the unknown. I got a mp3 player again so I am listening to music I like depending on my mood swing and emotions, I use to do it a long time ago under but stopped. I did get my work performance review so waiting my raise at work.
Whats on my mind? I’m realizing I’m 6 months into hormone therapy and physical changes are here. It’s not reversible because emotionally I’m affected. Anyway, mentally I am still the same. The point is who I will be in 6 months, which brings me to the dilemma. I always had interests and thoughts from a female perspective all my life, so the mental and emotional female perspective was there, but I was physically trapped in a male body. So, a friend finally realized that and knew it was the only way to talk to me, we spent a year just working on that aspect. Whoever knows me, knows I was in the D/S lifestyle, and have friends in the vampirism lifestyle a few years ago. I crafted a dressing style similar to that. Overall, the dressing style and attitude was a bit enticing, very bewitching with a rough edge. It was me, my interests and personal style.
Now that I am changing, I feel some of the style I will like to show and personality is surfacing. The question is how do I do it? It was simple in the past, cross-dress put on a lot of black and redefine how I behave to what I feel internally, then when I was over make it disappear. Now that what was internal is surfacing, what do I do?
If anyone is curious about interest in females, it’s getting stronger day by day. If I had a relationship, I do not think I would be dominate out the two, ironically.
I visited my job also yesterday to see all the new people seeking work at my job. They did an open house. I heard some people talking amongst themselves about how I looked or acted. Oh my gosh! That brought out the queen in me, and thought, they will have to deal with it so work is going be an uphill battle. If I could describe my feeling about dressing female at work, I’m itching. I need to get my hair relaxed so in a few weeks I can do that. I’m tired between dressings male for work, and when I visit the job for something, I pretty much dress female even if it’s the basic jeans and t-shirt. Mind you, I am wearing makeup pretty much, all the time at work unless I have electrolysis.
This gets to the point; I can’t make all of this disappear. Then the feeling of wanting to rip off male persona so badly, it’s getting stronger everyday.