Journeys

Wrote this a few days ago, before the status. Still feel now, I have to be happy as is!!!

Journeys

Sitting here glad to be with the family finally, a long journey for us all.
A little depressed knowing people only accept only a part of me, not what my close connections see.
Feeling hurt as my thoughts are up and down.
I will be okay. That is what is done best.

Vivianne
http://youtube.com/averyny

Little Girl

Little Girl

A girl walking down the street, stared at by others for flaws insignificant
imperfections to be ridiculed or judged.

A living mockery used to build that persons ego and self-righteousness.

Living in a cold and indifferent society, I pause.

Now looking into a mirror naked, innocent, and vulnerable like a child.

Enduring individuals ignorance and stupidity. The failing of people lack of compassion and understanding.

Wanting to cry and scream a spectrum of feelings and thoughts. Forcing myself to strive, painfully smiling every step taken.

Still picturing the black porcelain doll living this life.

Standing in this train, now trying to breath looking around.

This little girl.

Vivianne Anthony
http://viviannesummers.blogspot.com

A Reflection

I haven't written in a while but giving it a try, it's about what has been going on a little.

A Reflection.
Looking into the frosted mirror contemplating many thoughts
Watching myself taking each day in stride, knowing there will be challenges.
Knowing many friends are here, trying to comfort me.
But thinking at the end of the day, a feeling of loneliness falls upon me.
Constantly pushing myself to the limits, breaking down recently trying to breath.
Thinking, why can't she be in the mirror?
Giving me a soft gentle look, holding my hands.
As I keep pushing in strength and faith.

Vivianne
http://youtube.com/averyny

New Life, poetry and thoughts

So, I hear drinking, a beer, watchingvarious makeup and hair videos. Thinking of a perfect nice look,totally pretty style. What a combination, but it's me, listening to music also. Now the thought, I can honestly say, I am transparent. Living my life without a doubt, still going through trail and tribulations. With many prayers and support, I'm making it but not alone but with others.

Much of my family will not be with me because of the feeling of, what I should be, or what they imagined me to be. Even some friends, will always think of me before. The latter is not being done purposely. Still, it makes everything so much harder, trying to let go of being the person everyone else wanted or wants.

But in that light, I will speak the words that comes to my heart.

New Life
As new life, breaths through me, my heart opens seeing the world in new light.
Through many trails, I'm moving ahead in this world with others.
Reaching into my heart, soft whispers growing stronger, one day showing itself.
Living, breaking down, what others perceives my heart to be, but living ones destiny.
One day dancing, dress flowing around me, looking up knowing I lived.
Knowing in the end, I can say, I did not hide.

Vivianne
http://youtube.com/averyny
http://viviannesummers.blogspot.com

PS. So, this goes out to my future wife, and family!

Mind At Ease

Mind At Ease

So, I ask myself why I'm must through all of this, tackling another set of trials and tribulations.
Trying to put my mind at ease, and not focus on the headaches, but a confidence a assurance that life will be well.
Watching a video, innocent and creative, a few seconds of beauty expressed in a settle calmness
Now can I ever show this through my words, and thoughts, expressing my feelings with a blink of a eye.

Vivianne
http://youtube.com/averyny

Let Me Breath ...

Let me breath ....

Looking around, thinking, everything was a shadow, a person growing with many struggles and pain.
But knowing a sense of tranquillity will come, a radiant light, distinctively beautiful.
Lifting my spirit, in hope, aspiring to gain wisdom and knowledge.
Realizing with each daily confirmation, my heart is not alone, its connected with others.
Blossoming, a word sometimes taken lightly, but knowing that is my life.
Learning to embrace each moment and breathing in another light
Sharing my heart in words and thoughts with others, for even with my struggles, I will look up.

Vivianne
http://viviannesummers.blogspot.com/

PS. Trying really hard! Thought as I move through things, I will still remain a shadow as before but that isn't happening. My youtube channel. http://youtube.com/averyny

When I Fall Down

When I Fall Down

As I think about each passing day
Each day is a new beginning, to a destination, a point already planned.
As I ponder, I can't see what changes that will occur in my life.
My heart, says, this is the right time, and the right moment as always.
A life that is meant to be, different, but true to every heart I touched.
Through many struggles, trails, and tribulations that I could never imagined.
I will make it, through faith with others.
When I fall down, I will get up, but not alone this time.
As, I always done, coming in full circle with new family.

Vivianne
http://youtube.com/averyny

PS. Glowing with beautiful radiance, I will one day shine. Inspired by “We Fall Down” Donne McClurkin and life struggles

Time Out

I would like a time out, I haven't had one in a long time. I'm making through it, but I miss having one. ~Vivianne~

Walking

I'm happy to have a open mind. Free from not following stereotypes, thinking of individuals fitting a particular gender norm, hiding between a cloak and dagger, and telling people what they should be. I feel hurt about some statements I seen and by some things that was said.

My heart says, we was not put on this planet to judge others. Better yet, we are here to share our faith and belief, to treat others as a equal. It doesn't matter, a persons, race, sex, gender, age, or any other human standard we put on a individuals. I might be different, but my heart at the end of the day, thinks this one thing.

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” Hebrews 11:1

So, in that light, I will keep backing my actions. I will have my beautiful family with a beautiful wife, being a parent. Sharing with others my faith, and doing what I've been brought here to do.

Vivianne
http://youtube.com/averyny

Collective

Collective

Life is a beautiful mosaic of different colors, a rainbow.
Peacful thoughts coming in to mind, pondering the great picture.
Cherishing each sparkle of life, the essence of everything.
Looking at the magnificent reflections, a pretty shadow, of a big picture.
As in time, quietly pondering, realizing many facets of it.
For in this life, we are meant to grow, evolve, change, with one another.
Each person adding their unique qualities, to the collective.
The collective of mind, body, spirit.

Vivianne
http://youtube.com/averyny

This is for people who show hate and bigotry to others, just because of their differences.

Goodnight

Goodnight
---------

This piece of paper is empty, so I lay here contemplating a throught to write.

My mind thinks pondering many images appearing vividly, a rainbow; dynamic with bright lights of pure radiance.

I still lay here with many fears, like a rainbow going into a prism, creating chaotic light.

Still, beautiful with many shades, but behind the reflection. It's a quiet place, some fears visible to the naked eye.

Here I push with hope behind a faith, that it will be seen.

So, as I lay here, now with a full piece of paper, let my body fall into a quiet sleep.

Goodnight.

Vivianne
http://twitter.com/viviannesummers
http://youtube.com/averyny

The Train Ride

The Train Ride

I see so many people on this train, I just wonder.
There are two young Asian girls dressed casually but having fashionable sense, carrying a yellow plastic bag of snacks
A husband sitting right next to me with his wife across from him, they both are tourist from the map guide in his hand
A young lady standing at the door in her own world, listening to music through earphones, carrying a bag from the dry cleaners.
A young male wearing khaki shorts and blue polo shirt, with his bike, who gave directions to a lady.
A young couple sitting across from me, listening to music, sharing one pair of earphones.
A family of 4, the parents, and two young kids playing in the corner train seats. The parents talking to each other.
A interracial couple across from me in the middle of the train sitting, the guy caressing the female legs while she sits near a door.
Where do I fit into this picture?
I'm pondering thoughts, what is my role in all of this, who am I.
As I think about life, as the train travels to the next stop.

Vivianne
http://viviannesummers.blogspot.com

Follow on twitter - twitter.com/viviannesummers

So many things.

My life, I saw a friend of mine, my cousin, she is more of a friend yesterday. Still, it was good but it made me realize so many things, I was wearing my typical fitted jeans and t-shirt, and a baseball cap. So, I look like a tomgirl.

Anyway, from conversation with my family not her, it reminded me how my parents think there is some major epic problem with me. There isn’t a problem, like I want to be 100% happy, but knowing no matter what I will be looked down upon. I fill like 80% and I want to bring my queen back. Viva la Vivianne.

Vivianne

On The Quiet

On The Quiet

I hear two birds chirping waiting for spring rainfall.
As the spring thunderstorm comes near, I sit peacefully thinking of life.
My desires, my goals, and my dreams being thought of with self-assurance.
Pondering the secrets inside my heart, meditating peaceful thoughts.
Wishing I can share my dreams with another, calming my spirit.
When the first water drops, it will echo the reflections of my thoughts.
So, in this light, I rest my soul.
Sitting in tranquility.

Vivianne Anthony
http://viviannesummers.blogspot.com

Twitter
http://twitter.com/viviannesummers

Other Writings and Photos!
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/her-life/11028023

Random thought of the day

I have not written in a while, so I figure I’ll do it now. Where do I start? I’m not sure where, but I write something.

I was reading a documentary about humans and space exploration, and personally I’ve been following the private space industry. It’s really sad how space exploration have not changed much in the last few decades. There have been so many advances that haven’t been put into practice, for example, the space shuttle could have been replaced to a second version with technical advances. It seems everyone is bent on hurting others and being mean spirited. That includes everything from killing others or turning a blind eye to people of need, recently a man died in the street while people passed him. People are quick to text a friend or call someone on a cell phone, but those same people could not dial 911. That’s all they needed to do.

Now, recently someone called my changes just a physical change. Really! That is like saying to a pregnant women she is just going through emotional changes. That annoyed me. I think someone needs to realize now I have to carry the burden of a male making sure all the needs of my spouse is provided for including children. I also carry the emotional, mental, and physical burden of a women, of course nothing that deals with the uterus but pretty much everything else. It’s a weight of two people on one person.

People can tell me otherwise, I am open to thoughts.

Now, I can talk about my family. I did see them about a month ago. I talked to both my parents which went okay. I finally went fishing with my father after 30+ years. I can sit do and spend some quiet time with him. There are more details but it is not the time or place to write it.

I am not sure what else to write but there will be more.

Vivianne

Heart

HEART

I’m listening to music right now, sitting peacefully, reflecting upon my passing days.
My heart listening, calmly, letting go quiet tears, forgetting everyday loneliness.
A tranquil presence smiles, calming, expressing myself in soothing words.
Quietly whispering as my lips move in unison, intimately, opening my heart.
Touching my hair softly, sweeping it to my side pulling it with my fingertips, revealing my eyes.
Looking up, smiling meeting your eyes, whispering soft words.

Vivianne
http://viviannesummers.blogspot.com
http://viviannesummers.tumblr.com

PS

I know many will not see me; they automatically want to see what they know.
They will not let go of the pass, funny. I’ll just smile for the future.

Choir

So, Yea. I song with the choir in front of the church for the first time today. It was good. I kinda was expecting to be in front of the church in the choir, Sunday, I guess that was not the plan, let me say Gods plan.

I am going have so many eyes watching me. So, I guess I am living the slogan, just do it. If anyone wants to come to the church, hit me up.

The Twinkling Rebirth

The Twinkling Rebirth

I am trying to think of a great philosophy, an analogy but I most pause myself.
I have written many thoughts, that reveal deep emotions, sometimes buried feelings.
My life around me is evolving, what was, is the past. I must realize this.

It is different, I always felt femininity.

Femininity, an inner beauty I seen in a twinkling of an eye, the expressions I always admired.
The timeless reflections of empathy, joy, love, emotion, pain, struggle, sometimes limitless.
The signs of motherhood, intuition, creativity, life, and rebirth, the nurturing spirit.

My suffocating right is here, but it’s a rebirth, I lived one life and started another.
The very inner beauty I admired is now me, the essence, I am.

After reading this, there is no one true metaphor or thought.

For through this femininity, the very essence of my being, through many struggles. An inner beauty of joy, love, and emotion will live. For it is my rebirth, that will twinkle in my eyes.

Vivianne Summers
http://viviannesummers.blogspot.com
Http://youtube.com/averyny


PS. I went to a party last night, and admired one of the ladies there. Now reflecting upon it today,
I think I was admiring what I could be, what I must strive to achieve. Knowing, I have the same beauty.

people assuming things

This update is about nothing specific, I just felt like ranting. It’s somewhat, me rambling.

I’m tired of people assuming things about me. For example, the recent is that I am always out. This has been the case, since high school so, pretty much. It is rare for someone to ask if I want to go hang out, since the reality is I am usually home. Then the second assumption is I have a love life. I don’t even have a girlfriend and that’s been a while. It’s like I have a sticker on my forehead that says, not available.

I’m actually going stop at this note, it’s depressing and I do not want to be depressed.

Vivianne
http://youtube.com/averyny

A word can tell a million things

A word can tell a million things, I’ve asked myself why change.
People just going think of you one way, they will not change.
They won’t even realize; everything they experienced you haven’t.
That experience is required for the new flower, another disadvantage.
Someone might ask why there is now no closeness, maybe the flower needs some experience, some practice.
Maybe the person is asking the wrong question, how can I be a girl friend?

Vivianne Summers
http://youtube.com/averyny
http://viviannesummers.blogspot.com

parts of me have been disowned.

So, I’m listening to Brandy song Fall. I shouldn’t write right now but I well.

My sister called me it reminds me about something. It reminds me on how much I will not be accepted, I could be disowned and I know a lot of girls family do that to them. It’s sad. Some might say its great my family still talk to me, but realize they talk to who I was. They go by what they perceived of me.

The problem is, I’m not the same person. Physically, mentally, and emotionally it’s the same body and mind, but not the oldest boy in the family body and mind. That is what they are stuck on, I can’t show them otherwise. In a way, parts of me have been disowned.

The other thing that bugs me, I would like to get the rest of the electrolysis done. I have no clue how that’s going get done. That’s about one thousand bucks, great! That’s all I need, and don’t know how.

I might write later, so, I’ll add what I think as a comment.

Vivianne

Depending

Depending

Do I depend on anything or anyone? I haven’t in the past but need to now.
The question is how. Blinded by my past securities, now living to a world unknown smiling.

I did not go outside 1 o’clock to get fresh air; my body was emotionally breaking, tired wanting to breathe. Almost to the point, where my body, becomes sick for months; a battle that I fought so many times, last time a half of year. Considering all the changes, this is the last thing, I want.

A realization is happening, I’m not alone. If I’m quiet, I am not quiet for peace of mind, but quiet because I’m exhausting all my energy just to hang in there. It’s been my suffocating right.

From this suffocating right; the silence will become noise and the loneliness will become community. The heart will become stronger and my beauty will become brighter.

Vivianne Summers
http://youtube.com/averyny

The Castle

Now I am myself, I am what you see, which is awesome. I’m still hurt by the many years of trying to be myself. People would tell me go ahead and dress, then I hear rumors and gossip about me. Also, the same people would tell me hide myself because society will not accept me as an individual, that I might offend people, that I might affect business. It sometimes was what so called friends didn’t say about me that hurt. It burned me emotionally.

I love that person no matter what, it was me, and it will stick with me forever.

Each passing day my personal makeup, experiences and thoughts change. So, in that light, I will push to change, I have to create my castle filled with butterflies. It has been super hard sometimes.

So,

Hey, Girl. I’m in my castle, and I am the non-dramatic Queen.

Vivianne

"Life Gifts and Not" and "If You Knew"

Life Gifts and Not

I'm not looking for a reaction just showing my reflections. First, I am happy for the friends who care about my being. This is hard for me and emotional to the point, I dont know how to express it sometimes. I feel people put me in a stone box of misconceptions and irrelevant perceptions. I've always been honest with others;it hurts that its used against me.

The fact:: No matter what, I will be honest, sincere, and unique. Even if it hurts, my heart will be caring. Just one day I hope someone sees that and accept me for my strengths and weaknesses,

Vivianne

If You Knew

If someone wonders, what was sacrifaced, everything I knew and was. Knowing I may never fully be accepted.

It was not a easy choice, it was not a option.

It was something sacrifaced, now being a part of me.

I can finally begin to smile.

Vivianne Summers

A way

A way

I’m finding out who I am
I’m scared, my eyes watering up
I’m so scared

I feel I can’t handle it at moments
Sometimes my faith is holding me up
Still it is nothing, I question

I’m growing
Stronger, brighter, and bolder

Vivianne
http://youtube.com/atthelife