Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A magical moment

A magical moment

It’s the time you are yourself, smiling looking high above...
Hearing the raindrops fall from the sky, watching a bright rainbow reflecting the sunlight.
As birds are flying under a tree, the leaves moving peacefully up and down.
A smile coming across ones face, knowing that everything is alright.

Vivianne Summers

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

She Who Believes in Herself

She Who Believes in Herself

Trusting her instincts was
the hardest thing she ever did.
But she listened
to the whisperings of her heart.
She pushed forth with faith in her skills.
And faith in her knowledge
that she could succeed
And she did!
In the end, trusting her heart
Was the smartest thing she ever did.

from Anne and Lindley

PS. Poetry someone sent me in a card.



by Marcia Hall

I knew a shadow once.
She dwelled deep inside the heart of a man.

His heart was dark and troubled. The shadow remained silent, unmoving, crouched in a place without light and devoid of hope.

When, once in a while, sunlight illuminated his heart, the shadow came alive. The heart filled with joy and swelled with hope, and the shadow danced with happiness.

Rare were those good times. More and more, the darkness descended. The shadow stayed inside the heart, unfulfilled and longing for a way to come alive again.

The man began to think more earnestly than he had ever thought before. He turned ideas over and over in his mind. He pondered everything about his life. Finally ... finally ... his ideas solidified into one amazing, life-changing, earth-shattering decision.

The shadow stirred. She could feel something happening. It was as if her world, there in his heart, was coming alive.

And then it happened. The man stood erect, legs spread, arms reaching heavenward, eyes beseeching the heavens. Suddenly, he cried, "I am not Avery. I am VIVIANNE. Do you hear me, world? I AM VIVIANNE!"

He bent down, picked up seashells on the shore, and threw them into the crashing surf. He threw off his shoes and danced in the sand, and he laughed with joy. Laughing and crying at the same time, he proclaimed, "I AM VIVIANNE!"

Those words roused the shadow, and she saw that sunlight was streaming into the heart. There were no dark recesses in which to hide. Everything was new and bright. Every moment had meaning. The shadow was so excited that she leaped from the heart onto the sand so she could dance behind him.

Every time he moved his arms, so did she! Every time he took a dance step, so did she! It was the first time she had truly been a shadow!

Ah, but that wasn't all. She looked way up into his face, that handsome, rugged face she had so long admired, and she was astonished. He wasn't a man -- he was a woman, a beautiful woman, a happy woman! Together they danced until the moon was high.

At last, Vivianne stopped dancing. She was tired. She found a soft, sandy spot between two large rocks, lay back, and let sleep overcome her, traces of a smile on her lips. The shadow returned to Vivianne's heart, but there,too, were changes. Just as the stars shone down on Vivianne, so the light pierced the darkness of her heart, and there were no more dark recesses. There was only soft light. The shadow had to blink to believe it.

There was no place for the shadow to hide. There was no reason to hide!

Vivianne's breathing was slow and relaxed, in, then out, in, then out, and soon the shadow was lulled to sleep.

Those simple, joyful words, "I AM VIVIANNE, I AM VIVIANNE!" had found the key, had opened the door, and sunlight had replaced the darkness. Vivianne and her shadow had an adventure before them, but it would be met face to face in the brightness of day, never again in darkness.

In that final moment of realization, Vivianne had found peace and contentment and commitment -- and, most of all, she had found herself.

I know this tale is real for I am the shadow.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Last week was rough.

Last week was rough. If anyone wants to know how I feel, in facebook I put the status that I was scared, nervous, maybe sad, but glad. This week the music that stuck into mind was Anne Lenox. I do not know what to think of the changes, I had varied responses, some people thought I was female, others couldn’t figure it out so they said it out loud not directly to me, and friends who are finding it difficult to call me Vivianne. It’s like the change, is reality. By the way, a very nice lady randomly gave me a book on the train, she felt I needed it. Actually, it’s perfect for t me considering I am reflecting a lot.

I’ve been slowly trying to transition my speech, I use to do it a lot cross-dressing but I stopped a couple of years ago. The thought it’s not cross-dressing anymore is a change. You can imagine me getting home and trying to take off my hair; then realizing no more wigs. It’s an everyday change. Getting back to the speech has been extremely difficult. One day, I will know how to express my feelings and emotions better, right now; I do not know what to think so it’s hard to put that into words. I still have more electrolysis to go. As for family, there are enough changes even if I wore guy cloths that I have to face telling my parents. Whoever knows me, my relationship with my family is not the greatest. So, this might be a blow to a few people.

Vivianne Summers

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Another Day

Another Day

This is not a major update just dealing with work and transition. I wish some people would just call me Vivianne. Whenever I hear Avery I always have the feeling they are not accepting it. Co-workers I do not mind because I have not told them Vivianne, but so called friends I do mind. My job is accepting it which is really good.

It looks like the morning routine is a little bit different in the sense I have to do my hair before leaving out the house. Also, by the way, I’m posting a few pictures up later, not of me but things I saw in NYC hanging out with some friends. Since I am feeling freezing cold, this entry is going be short.

What aggravated me today? A rude customer who was angry she had to wait, so she spent a few minutes pointing out that I’m a guy in front of everyone. There was a customer who made a comment to me, not sure if she thought I was male or female. There was some guy walking down the street from electro who made some weird noise walking by.


Saturday, October 10, 2009

Hair Day

Hair Day

Today is going be an interesting day; I feel this way I think because this is one of the boldest things I did which is changing my hairstyle. It’s very dramatic and very me. Just wanted to thanks Sharon at Imago Beauty group. I went back to my hair stylist after 6 years, it was so cool because I felt completely comfortable telling her my changes. She knows me as Avery also but as soon as I told her about the transition. It was not long before everyone in the salon was calling me Lady V or saying she, I think everyone felt at home with it also. She was not surprised one bit.

Now the hair, it’s like a Rihana and Keri Hilson hairstyle. Very funky short straigt down and sweeping to a Bob on the other side. This is a dramatic change from any previous style. Everyone liked it yesterday, but I’m nervous today because it’s a work day. It’s a change. I can’t guess what reactions will come from friends, coworkers, strangers, and acquaintances


Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I’m not really sure where to start.

Here I go after a couple of days; I’m not really sure where to start.

I have a new therapist because the previous one left. I wrote it ended abruptly so I am hoping the new therapist will be good. It is going be interesting considering she asked questions about things I like to bury emotionally.

Now, as to the transition, its weird; I feel comfortable with it but there is a hesitation, like I put myself in the position years ago without the physical changes. I wish my previous girlfriend was around, there are a lot of things she could help me with, because the things I need help with doing the transition are things we worked on together as to speech and grammar. Anyway, that is the past. I’ll get a girlfiend companion.

My job is more anxious to see the changes then I;I guess. From what I read and heard from transgender individuals it is the opposite. I have a job where I can walk in and my management will know already, my boss knew for months before I even told him specifically. There still seem to be tough decisions I have to make but I do not know what they are right now.

As to a dilemma, people who know me I went through a period where I always was happy to change into an outfit and take pictures. I am not sure why I am not like that right now, I would think I would be running for the camera but I’m not. I’ve continually written a blog and considered doing a video log (vlog) many times. The reason of not doing the video log is that I am scared my flaws as to looking and sounding female will be apparent. The part I do not understand it’s not difficult for me to talk softer or look female, I just have to be myself.

I am getting my hair done this week, I already highlighted it.