Monday, September 28, 2009



As I consider settle changes occurring in my life, I’m lost as to words to say. So I am looking at the strong wind and a young tree, comparison writing.

The wind shifting leaves left and right, and branches moving up and down.
A residing peace comes into my mind, an emotional and mental balance.
As the sun shines brightly beaming rays onto the ground.
Even with this peace a constant struggle persists.
As leaves try to stay attached to the branches, the wind sometimes move violently over, tearing apart leaves from the tree.
What a friend considers sometimes me going through a battle, quenched in a corner fighting to get up.
I know that the fallen leaves will always nourish the young tree, as the tree continues to grow.
As to me, a queen, which will show myself more brilliantly, renewed, with every movement.


Saturday, September 26, 2009


Hey, Everyone.

I have not posted in a little while so just catching up. I have been kind of depressed the last few days. If I think about it, it’s not depression but facing the unknown. I got a mp3 player again so I am listening to music I like depending on my mood swing and emotions, I use to do it a long time ago under but stopped. I did get my work performance review so waiting my raise at work.

Whats on my mind? I’m realizing I’m 6 months into hormone therapy and physical changes are here. It’s not reversible because emotionally I’m affected. Anyway, mentally I am still the same. The point is who I will be in 6 months, which brings me to the dilemma. I always had interests and thoughts from a female perspective all my life, so the mental and emotional female perspective was there, but I was physically trapped in a male body. So, a friend finally realized that and knew it was the only way to talk to me, we spent a year just working on that aspect. Whoever knows me, knows I was in the D/S lifestyle, and have friends in the vampirism lifestyle a few years ago. I crafted a dressing style similar to that. Overall, the dressing style and attitude was a bit enticing, very bewitching with a rough edge. It was me, my interests and personal style.

Now that I am changing, I feel some of the style I will like to show and personality is surfacing. The question is how do I do it? It was simple in the past, cross-dress put on a lot of black and redefine how I behave to what I feel internally, then when I was over make it disappear. Now that what was internal is surfacing, what do I do?

If anyone is curious about interest in females, it’s getting stronger day by day. If I had a relationship, I do not think I would be dominate out the two, ironically.

I visited my job also yesterday to see all the new people seeking work at my job. They did an open house. I heard some people talking amongst themselves about how I looked or acted. Oh my gosh! That brought out the queen in me, and thought, they will have to deal with it so work is going be an uphill battle. If I could describe my feeling about dressing female at work, I’m itching. I need to get my hair relaxed so in a few weeks I can do that. I’m tired between dressings male for work, and when I visit the job for something, I pretty much dress female even if it’s the basic jeans and t-shirt. Mind you, I am wearing makeup pretty much, all the time at work unless I have electrolysis.

This gets to the point; I can’t make all of this disappear. Then the feeling of wanting to rip off male persona so badly, it’s getting stronger everyday.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Thought before bed

Writing a quick blog before heading to bed. This is the latest update of the transition. Do to some circumstance at work I think I want to reveal more information of what’s going on slowly. The shorter version, a coworker plays around with me like any typical guy would who would joke around with another guy. The problem it’s physical, so my chest area has changed to the point; I do no like to get tapped in the chest area unless it’s under specific situations. I discussed this with management (my boss who I am keeping informed) so they will talk to the person; but at some point I will have to also. Overall, to resolve some future problems I might have. I have to dress more normal like I do outside of work which is fully female at the job. This opens up a new can of worms to deal with.

I kinda realized I can joke around with guys like before and take steps that would not put me in uncomfortable circumstances.

Vivianne Summers

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Friendships and connections

People might say they are friends but they aren’t. The so called friend who told there kids I was going to a costume party, then ironically after starting the hormone therapy. Every time I see her there is a sarcastic and inconsiderate comment about me. What I don’t understand, this very person, encouraged me to be myself and now as I am starting to do it. I feel I am getting slapped in the face repeatedly verbally.

My therapist left which ended very abruptly and I’m getting a new one. She has a new job which is good hopefully they are paying more Thinking about it, it ended like most of my relationships in the past one minute it’s there and then it’s not. So, I am not hurt by it, but now amazed how it worked out. It’s not even that I seen the therapist much which I do not care about. I more troubled of how it ended without any real notice or closure.

I hanged out with a friend of mine, and I am very happy with the support she gave me. She always conversated as if I already been transitioned, so she knew me first as Vivianne; It was pleasing to know she will treat me that always. So, it was welcoming to be at her open house, and she paid a lot of attention to what people were calling me and how I was treated.


Friday, September 11, 2009

Question about breast

Yesterday was an interesting day because how people responded to me. I did a lot of shopping for things I need as for clothing and grocery shopping.

First off I want to write about a conversation I had with a friend, which is fine but at the latter end. I was bothered about a question. The question asked was “What breast size are you?” It really annoyed me with the transition that’s happening.

In the past, when I was cross-dressing a lot, so putting on fake boobs was simple. Add some silicone packs and my natural men chest will appear somewhat like breast. The realization now at the present, I have breast and find the term somewhat derogatory and especially that question. We have the tendency especially males marvel at breast about how soft and plush they may are, a little plaything.

The fact is males do not know the long nights when the breast are sore and sleeping on them is bothersome, humid and hot temperature that leaves the breast sweaty and sometimes disgusting, or during a cycle how the additional weight is sometimes a pain. There are many more things that happens, but that is a highlight.

I feel the question is personal and private, and I can understand why someone would likely to offense including. I asked a female friend of mine later in the night. She even said the question is rude and inconsiderate, so please note everyone. Try to refrain from saying boobs to females or treat breast as some object, hopefully someone understands.

In the morning, I did some shopping for belts and a shirt at Marshall’s. It was weird in the sense I use to shop for female clothing it was so simple. Get a whole bunch of black clothing and jeans but I cannot do that anymore. This time it was difficult because I had buy clothing that I would normally wear. For people who started to read my blog, what does a female wear normally? I cannot say dress because this is how I dress mostly now. I cannot hide breast or behind, so I have to dress accordingly. The cashier talked to me as an Ms which was cool and it made me a little relieved.

Grocery shopping was a little better; the last time I went grocery shopping some mother asked a child if I was male or female. That sums up most of the day yesterday.


Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Electrolysis today

I have to go to electrolysis today, great, another expensive expense during the transition. Ironically, I found out the day before and realized how fast my facial hair is growing. It’s growing slower which is a good thing. I was asked by a friend about my ability to have kids, and how the transition process makes someone sterile. Also, the person did not realize there is no back button to this. I want another tattoo is October.