Life Gifts and Not
I'm not looking for a reaction just showing my reflections. First, I am happy for the friends who care about my being. This is hard for me and emotional to the point, I dont know how to express it sometimes. I feel people put me in a stone box of misconceptions and irrelevant perceptions. I've always been honest with others;it hurts that its used against me.
The fact:: No matter what, I will be honest, sincere, and unique. Even if it hurts, my heart will be caring. Just one day I hope someone sees that and accept me for my strengths and weaknesses,
Vivianne
If You Knew
If someone wonders, what was sacrifaced, everything I knew and was. Knowing I may never fully be accepted.
It was not a easy choice, it was not a option.
It was something sacrifaced, now being a part of me.
I can finally begin to smile.
Vivianne Summers
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
A way
A way
I’m finding out who I am
I’m scared, my eyes watering up
I’m so scared
I feel I can’t handle it at moments
Sometimes my faith is holding me up
Still it is nothing, I question
I’m growing
Stronger, brighter, and bolder
Vivianne
http://youtube.com/atthelife
I’m finding out who I am
I’m scared, my eyes watering up
I’m so scared
I feel I can’t handle it at moments
Sometimes my faith is holding me up
Still it is nothing, I question
I’m growing
Stronger, brighter, and bolder
Vivianne
http://youtube.com/atthelife
Monday, December 28, 2009
If everyone is curious
If everyone is curious, I have not written in a long while. This is because I have been creating video blogs. I’ll try to catch up.
The transition is going as smooth as it could be. I spent the holiday with my sister, but I did it dressed up as a guy. After the discussion with her before dinner, I had the feeling my family will never accept me as I am now. I talked with my mother and I got the same feeling to in a way. So, transitioning, I feel I will be separated from my family so its been emotionally difficult, I am trying to hold the feelings inside but I think I might break down emotionally. A basket case for my therapist when I see her again.
I also have to seek work, I have been unemployed for a month. So, that’s been hard doing this economic time. I have to deal with the fact I will be seeking work as Vivianne, so that’s emotionally difficult. I have not gotten to the point of a serious interview, which I am afraid in some way. I never had to deal with going to a interview and being looked as a female or transgender. There are so many prejudices that I have to deal with now.
It’s going on 8 months to 9 months of hormone therapy, I look so female now. Just waiting for the money to get the new prescription. I seen my id a few days ago, in a month I have to get my id pictures changed because I look female and I will have serious problems being checked. Luckily I have not been in that position but I had to pick up a package at the post office. It finally came into my mind when I took my id out. The picture on it looks like another person. I know it’s me, but it doesn’t look like me. Both the picture and gender are inaccurate.
Now last, does all this transition affect the sexual preferences? Nope. I still love females, pretty legs, nice size chest and hips. So, that is what I like. My interest in guys is still zero.
The only things that change, is my taste in clothing. It is still changing like you see in the videos. So, hopefully it gets hotter. I know it will.
Guys, subscribe to my channel http://youtube.com/averyny and http://youtube.com/atthelife
They are two things I would like to get up and running. At least few the videos, comment, and tell others if you don’t subscribe but subscribe to them if you can.
Love you all.
Vivianne
The transition is going as smooth as it could be. I spent the holiday with my sister, but I did it dressed up as a guy. After the discussion with her before dinner, I had the feeling my family will never accept me as I am now. I talked with my mother and I got the same feeling to in a way. So, transitioning, I feel I will be separated from my family so its been emotionally difficult, I am trying to hold the feelings inside but I think I might break down emotionally. A basket case for my therapist when I see her again.
I also have to seek work, I have been unemployed for a month. So, that’s been hard doing this economic time. I have to deal with the fact I will be seeking work as Vivianne, so that’s emotionally difficult. I have not gotten to the point of a serious interview, which I am afraid in some way. I never had to deal with going to a interview and being looked as a female or transgender. There are so many prejudices that I have to deal with now.
It’s going on 8 months to 9 months of hormone therapy, I look so female now. Just waiting for the money to get the new prescription. I seen my id a few days ago, in a month I have to get my id pictures changed because I look female and I will have serious problems being checked. Luckily I have not been in that position but I had to pick up a package at the post office. It finally came into my mind when I took my id out. The picture on it looks like another person. I know it’s me, but it doesn’t look like me. Both the picture and gender are inaccurate.
Now last, does all this transition affect the sexual preferences? Nope. I still love females, pretty legs, nice size chest and hips. So, that is what I like. My interest in guys is still zero.
The only things that change, is my taste in clothing. It is still changing like you see in the videos. So, hopefully it gets hotter. I know it will.
Guys, subscribe to my channel http://youtube.com/averyny and http://youtube.com/atthelife
They are two things I would like to get up and running. At least few the videos, comment, and tell others if you don’t subscribe but subscribe to them if you can.
Love you all.
Vivianne
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Titanic – Rose
I’m here listening to Titanic – Rose them song. It one of those songs that makes me think, I have a new week to start. I always wanted a wife like Rose someone who was full of surprises. A women who is strong but as gentle as a rose, someone with a heart that is always cherished.
Vivianne
Vivianne
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Work
This is the current news; I have not done a blog because life is upside down for me. I wrote a status about looking for work, so I am not employed. It dealt with something not done completed, which someone admitted to but being I am responsible. I was terminated. Now how does this affect me?
It makes life extremely difficult; I thought I would go through the change gradually. I can’t anymore, I will have unemployment but that might not be all the income I need. Please take account, I have both therapies including hormone and regular therapy, don’t forget electrolysis. This job lost is a major blow to me, financially, emotionally, and mentally. A lot of energy was put into the work but I am not sure what will come of it.
Now, the reality, I live. I have to face the fact people who do not know me, see me as female. I have to understand everything about me and life, and adjust accordingly. The way I talk, my mannerism, how I perceive things, who I am friends with, and so many other things.
The scary part of it is I do not know where to start. It’s not scary but I was not expecting to be thrown into the ocean so fast. It is like a butterfly flying on land, and then all of a sudden the land is taken away and underneath is an ocean.
Vivianne Summers
It makes life extremely difficult; I thought I would go through the change gradually. I can’t anymore, I will have unemployment but that might not be all the income I need. Please take account, I have both therapies including hormone and regular therapy, don’t forget electrolysis. This job lost is a major blow to me, financially, emotionally, and mentally. A lot of energy was put into the work but I am not sure what will come of it.
Now, the reality, I live. I have to face the fact people who do not know me, see me as female. I have to understand everything about me and life, and adjust accordingly. The way I talk, my mannerism, how I perceive things, who I am friends with, and so many other things.
The scary part of it is I do not know where to start. It’s not scary but I was not expecting to be thrown into the ocean so fast. It is like a butterfly flying on land, and then all of a sudden the land is taken away and underneath is an ocean.
Vivianne Summers
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
If I knew how to be ...
If I knew how to be rich from writing, I would sit down, think, and write about the world. Everything I experienced doing my life, and maybe defy all logic.
There is no recent news; I’m working for thanksgiving which is depressing. I’ve spent the last two weeks dealing with an upper manager making work horrible. A friend of mine asked me if I would do a photo shoot for her school project, that will be exciting and a good change. I had an electrolysis session so my skin is still swollen but that will heal in a few days. I wish I can come up with some extra money for electrolysis session in a week. It would be sweet if my previous photographer took pictures also.
If anyone curios about the change a.k.a transition, that is fine. I am dealing with more irresponsible and immature behavior from some people specifically some random kids. The sad part is I am more hurt from a superficial supportive friend for things she said in the last 7 months; I skipped her dinner yesterday because of it.
If someone wonders if I looking for an answer to all of this, there isn’t. It would be nice to see family. It would be fantastic to do few more electrolysis session before next week is out. It would be awesome to find the miracle additional income I need considering the economy is bad. The only thing I can count on in this economy is my friends, family, hard work, and my faith.
I really need to go bra and more clothing shopping, more importantly get more electrolysis. I have to register for class soon.
A friend mentioned I should check out some reality TV auditions. I might consider that, there is always you tube. That reminds me I need to post a video off my camera and make a new one. The video is two weeks old so if I post some, there will be two videos posted.
There might be more to write today, if I think of something. I will post it.
Vivianne
http://twitter.com/viviannesummers
There is no recent news; I’m working for thanksgiving which is depressing. I’ve spent the last two weeks dealing with an upper manager making work horrible. A friend of mine asked me if I would do a photo shoot for her school project, that will be exciting and a good change. I had an electrolysis session so my skin is still swollen but that will heal in a few days. I wish I can come up with some extra money for electrolysis session in a week. It would be sweet if my previous photographer took pictures also.
If anyone curios about the change a.k.a transition, that is fine. I am dealing with more irresponsible and immature behavior from some people specifically some random kids. The sad part is I am more hurt from a superficial supportive friend for things she said in the last 7 months; I skipped her dinner yesterday because of it.
If someone wonders if I looking for an answer to all of this, there isn’t. It would be nice to see family. It would be fantastic to do few more electrolysis session before next week is out. It would be awesome to find the miracle additional income I need considering the economy is bad. The only thing I can count on in this economy is my friends, family, hard work, and my faith.
I really need to go bra and more clothing shopping, more importantly get more electrolysis. I have to register for class soon.
A friend mentioned I should check out some reality TV auditions. I might consider that, there is always you tube. That reminds me I need to post a video off my camera and make a new one. The video is two weeks old so if I post some, there will be two videos posted.
There might be more to write today, if I think of something. I will post it.
Vivianne
http://twitter.com/viviannesummers
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thoughts about beauty
There is nothing specific about this writing. I had a very long day due to drama at my job and also issues with the change. Right now, listening to Tiziano Ferro feat Kelly Rowland – Eathe gentle. You’ll love the video. Everyone forward or recommend this blog to whomever you’ll like.
Sitting here happy that I’ve gone through a long day, trying hands testing my patience. Work related drama, pushing my mental limits.
People talking amongst themselves, gossiping giving more attention to something that doesn’t want it. Now I am watching a beautiful video thinking.
True beauty defies all logic, it’s an emotion, a feeling something you can touch and see, but it remains a mystery.
Something unseen that can’t be touched.
Something beautiful brings a smile to a persons face; sometimes it’s an alluring charm. It might be a soft breeze passing by or a calm settle thought coming into mind.
Vivianne Summers
Sitting here happy that I’ve gone through a long day, trying hands testing my patience. Work related drama, pushing my mental limits.
People talking amongst themselves, gossiping giving more attention to something that doesn’t want it. Now I am watching a beautiful video thinking.
True beauty defies all logic, it’s an emotion, a feeling something you can touch and see, but it remains a mystery.
Something unseen that can’t be touched.
Something beautiful brings a smile to a persons face; sometimes it’s an alluring charm. It might be a soft breeze passing by or a calm settle thought coming into mind.
Vivianne Summers
Thursday, November 5, 2009
How is the transition going?
Just writing everyone about how the changes are going and telling you some thoughts I have. How is the transition going? It’s going well is good.
I’m in the process of introducing myself as Vivianne to everyone I meet not Avery, and my job is adjusting well with the changes also. It’s becoming Vivianne as the first name basis at work. I’m waiting for some type of situation at work. I heard so many horror stories about people changing at work, just wondering what about me. It is going smoothly.
I get upset to the point of feeling hurt when friends who say the wanted me to be myself; when I do I’m treated harshly. Especially one person, she says Avery, even tho everyone one around her is starting to call me Vivianne. The “so called” friend has been completely cynical, sarcastic, and sometimes cruel with her comments, for the last 7 months. That does not include events that happened that made me doubt her support. Whomever reading this and is close to me, knows who I’m mentioning.
As to how, I feel I feel definitely less confident. I prayed on hopefully being comfortable and in control. This is something I always depended on. This transition takes me into an uncomfortable zone. I do not know what to expect from people; sometimes I do not know what to expect from myself. Everyday I feel like I am starting over, like a puzzle that’s changing. I wrote about a mosaic in my poetry, so the mosaic is shifting. I feel like the pieces are the same but how they are being put together is different.
I just awaken. I have been watching Mia video (link to video) this morning. The music is close to how I feel and some of the thoughts I have she says. I feel tired and drained, but determined. My heart felt feeling is that I am learning about myself again. Sometimes I feel like I have to justify the changes to people. What do I tell a female about myself? I am to the point of telling people I’m female, I have so many feminine characteristics now without dressing. How my relationships will change with a female? A lot of thoughts or question is popping up as I think about it.
Vivianne Summers
PS. Video on youtube and twitter
http://youtube.com/averyny
http://twitter.com/viviannesummers
I’m in the process of introducing myself as Vivianne to everyone I meet not Avery, and my job is adjusting well with the changes also. It’s becoming Vivianne as the first name basis at work. I’m waiting for some type of situation at work. I heard so many horror stories about people changing at work, just wondering what about me. It is going smoothly.
I get upset to the point of feeling hurt when friends who say the wanted me to be myself; when I do I’m treated harshly. Especially one person, she says Avery, even tho everyone one around her is starting to call me Vivianne. The “so called” friend has been completely cynical, sarcastic, and sometimes cruel with her comments, for the last 7 months. That does not include events that happened that made me doubt her support. Whomever reading this and is close to me, knows who I’m mentioning.
As to how, I feel I feel definitely less confident. I prayed on hopefully being comfortable and in control. This is something I always depended on. This transition takes me into an uncomfortable zone. I do not know what to expect from people; sometimes I do not know what to expect from myself. Everyday I feel like I am starting over, like a puzzle that’s changing. I wrote about a mosaic in my poetry, so the mosaic is shifting. I feel like the pieces are the same but how they are being put together is different.
I just awaken. I have been watching Mia video (link to video) this morning. The music is close to how I feel and some of the thoughts I have she says. I feel tired and drained, but determined. My heart felt feeling is that I am learning about myself again. Sometimes I feel like I have to justify the changes to people. What do I tell a female about myself? I am to the point of telling people I’m female, I have so many feminine characteristics now without dressing. How my relationships will change with a female? A lot of thoughts or question is popping up as I think about it.
Vivianne Summers
PS. Video on youtube and twitter
http://youtube.com/averyny
http://twitter.com/viviannesummers
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